Silla's space

Therapy is still going well for me. I find it really helpful, especially since my therapist hasn't tried to get me on the meds or anything. I really don't want to take medication since I think it might change my personality. Yeah, I don't love my personality either but what can I do? It's what I have to work with. In any case, it's just been really nice to talk to someone who I know isn't going to judge me. My mother is a really judgmental person and I've come to see how I internalized all her criticism over the years. It really soured me on myself, which is a bad thing. I'm not just parroting what my therapist has told me - these are conclusions I've come to on my own. In any case, it's been great. But I'm not just going to go off on how awesome therapy is. I've also been getting into all the search engine news that's been clogging the internet. Can you believe that Yahoo fracas? It's just nuts. I think all those people need to go into therapy. I just don't know how a simple matter has become such a huge blow up. Maybe I should start my own people search engine. Looks like there's gonna be an opening in the market pretty soon.

I really hope my mother hasn't sussed out this site yet because I'm about to make quite a confession - at least for me. I'm in therapy! Yup, I finally did it. A friend of mine sat me down and told it to me straight: she thought I was depressed and needed counseling. I was resistant at first just because I was raised to think of therapists as quacks and nutters, but attending sessions twice a week has been great for me. I talk to the doctor about anything that's on my mind really. I told her about how I would get obsessed with people searches and needed to find a person at least once a week. She said it was normal for personalities like mine which are borderline OCD (whatever that means). She said I needed to talk stuff out with my parents because my bad relations with my mother are poisoning my day to day life. So I've decided to funnel my crazy energy into finding enough relatives for a reunion. That'll give me a chance to use my people search skills for good and allow me to talk with my mother about something other than how fat I am or whatever. She'll probably be excited about it; my mother loves to party. I'm thinking an August outdoor party with grilled food and balloons. I'll ask my therapist what she thinks. I hope she doesn't say she's going to prescribe me meds - that would put me over the edge, right now.

This has gone too far. I suddenly realized last night as I dialed my kindergarten teacher for the 50th time that I've been isolating myself from the world and dwelling on things in the past that can't be helped. The multivitamins that I talked about last time have been helping stabilize my mood but I still think I need to talk some of my issues out. I can't talk to my family. Whenever I do I just feel attacked and belittled, like I'm some big freak for needing help. Unfortunately nobody in my family believes in therapy (if that's even what I'm talking about needing, I don't even know) and will totally ridicule me for being a baby about it. Whatever, I have spent way too long being yelled at and called fat by my mom. I need to people search and find folks who are in the same position I am, who can help me out of this mess or at least offer support. I guess the first step would be to stop calling my kindergarten teacher since she may have ruined my life, but she obviously doesn't care. I'm going to distract myself with this rant to the war on drugs. I wish somebody would give me so drugs, I think I need some.

I'm still so furious at my kindergarten teacher for not taking me seriously. Note to self: just because you locate a person from your past doesn't mean that they've changed at all. She didn't pull through on doing a background check on me - so far as I can tell. But I will keep you posted. I've called her a couple of times just to breathe heavily into her phone, because I think it's hilarious. Not as hilarious as this list of ways to waste money but hilarious all the same. My mood has been a lot more stable lately, since I've been taking the best multivitamins.

Found her. It was weird. I found her phone number, so I gave her a call, and her voice was so syrupy and chirpy that I nearly didn't say anything to her. Is that weird? It almost felt like maybe I didn't need to tell her anything, maybe just the act of find person was enough. Maybe that's all I really needed. But it wasn't. I told her. "This is Silla. You were my kindergarten teacher, and you ruined my life." She was shocked. She started screaming into the phone, saying that this was just a prank call and she'd do a background check on me. She's probably just an old hag now like this rant to the woman who insists on putting clothes on her dog.